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it is done. let it be. let me live.
i guess i`m writing a shortie today. i jus need to let it out. this is crazy. this is so fucking crazy. i cant fucking believe him. so the whole time it was a lie. "there`s nothing to work out". he wont put any input into it anymore. i`m done puttin up wit this shit. he really still hasn`t made up his mind. maybe he did. i dont fuckin` know man. i`m so fucking tired of it. he doesn`t care; truth or lie. he doesnt care about us; truth. he "needs" me; lie. i can`t fucking believe him. i cant stop saying that. the lowest of the low. its funny. when he told me about it i remember i thought she was at that moment. i wanted to deny it. and now today, i dont know what to think anymore. i cant fucking believe this. "do you want us to be together, no". i already know. why do i put up with it. this is the second time. i really have to let go. holding on will jus make me hurt more. time to put what was on hold back to work again. except this time will i really stick to my word? i did -for a moment.
i have alot to do right now.. idk if i can do it. i`m so fucking tired of this shit. i really am. i cant stand it anymore. im tired of crying. im tired of getting hurt. im tired of hurting myself by putting myself through it.
what the fuck man..
tired of this shit; EMxDEE
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when will it stop. when will any of this stop
i cant stand being mad at him. i jus cant. i`m so tired of getting hurt. i`m tired of crying. crying isn`t helping me at all right now, but i need to let it out. he definitely shared something with her that i will never have. he`s still holding back from me and holding on to her. i know he is. even tho he said he chose me and broke up wit her, dont mean i`ll get his all. i know i said we were gonna take it slow, but he`s really not gonna let go of her. a simple answer that i was prepared to hear, he responds with something worse. aparently i`m not emotionally ready to hear it. now i feel like i`m not ready for this at all. now i hold something against him and i fucking hate this. i really do.
idk why he does it. he still threatens to leave me if i dont listen to what he tells me to do. he doesnt realize that i WILL leave him. cuz i CAN. i`ve started the process and its on hold to see where we`ll go. as of now, i`m not so happy. when will he learn that i`m not gonna wait any longer. i swear if he claims he`s single after this... i`ll make sure he`s single.
i still feel like he chose me because i`ll be more available than she will be. i honestly do. i know alot of my life benefits him but what he`s doing to me isn`t benefitting me at all. im so fucking tired of thinking and over analyzing shit i really am. it hurts me everytime. whether i`m right or not. he might consider my feelings but he wont do anything to make me feel any better.
idk why i`m crying right now. maybe its jus cuz i`m so hurt from him right now. he`s hiding something from me. maybe i`m not emotionally ready to hear it. holding this grudge is hurting me more than how i would feel when he would have told me.
i jus wanna live.
live my life in truth.
truth to myself,
truth to everything.
everything that i love
and everything i appreciate.
God, show me the way
i need you; EMxDEE
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am i weak? or do i have too much of a good heart to say no..?
a few days after the whole drama, we`ve talked like normal. then he explains how he`s been. he needs me. he NEEDS me. that nothing is right without me and he been ignoring that we dont talk anymore and its pissing him off. he`s been trying hard. so hard to get me back. i kept sayin no. till a few days later i say okay. is it so bad to give him one more chance? ha best part is he is back with his ex girlfriend. the chick before me. what he is to me, she is to him. i know her. i`m friends with her. i confronted her with the whole deal and wished the best of luck and that i might not be talking to her anymore. i was so hurt. and then he gets me back. it hurts. he held on to her after all those years that i was with him. and now here we are and he NEEDS me. i need to cry.
lately i feel like he`s been slow on the count of her. was i wrong to accept him back? now i`m being hurt all over again. last night, after a regular text, he mentions he needs to talk to me.. i can read him, i knew it was about him choosing between me and her. im talking to him now. he`s really inlove wit the girl. he doesnt know where we stand. where do i stand? where should i stand? she does something that i dont. its to let him breathe. with all the years of no trust because of his lies and so on, he thinks i have no reason to taunt him about other girls.
i`m tired of these sleepless nights full of tears and hopeful prayers. i cant stand it anymore. my best friend slept over last night. i`ve jus been crying through the night. after i brought him back in, i hesitated to let go. but now i dont even know anymore. now its just better that i let go. whats the point of caring if he cares more for someone else. i thought back at when he was trying to get me back "i see you in my future and i dont want it any other way". it jus sucks to be hurt again. just another smack in the face.
my parents are leaving for the philippines tomorrow morning. i saved the news from telling him until the time was right so he wouldn`t be so excited; more of a surprise. i don`t think it will be worth it now. if i tell him now, i might jus feel worse. only because of my plan of spending the nights wit him wont be how i want it to be. it will jus be like the feeling of bein used again. i cant cry. not here. im so fucking tired of this. now i have a grudge. maybe not a grudge but a doubt. a doubt that everything he said that i definately absorbed isn`t going to be the way it was planned. i didnt feel this last night before he said "we need to talk later...". now this feeling has returned. the only way to let it go is to let go of him. for good. i was doing okay when i was letting go and he was no more than a friend. but no, i let him back in. fuck.
I.P.T.G.T.H.M.T.T
let it go and cry; EMxDEE
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i`m out here livin` a lie.
stupid fucker
i fucking hate him
actually i fucking hate this
why do i keep falling back
when will i find the will power to move on.
i need all the luck and strength i can get
fuck this life; EMxDEE
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rollin` rollin` rollin` we ain`t slept in weeks..
so lately i been goin` crazy. i cant take shit around me anymore. need a month to be care free. my only set back is this is REALITY. i`m tryna cope wit everythin` that`s goin on. idk. so lately i`ve started up on my favorite games after being so damn tired with them. san andreas came back into my life. i started all over again in kingdom hearts. i`ve started up on my sims and i`m quite happy with how its going so i overwrote my file. i love kingdom hearts with all my heart. both the first and second. lol its like a game of wisdom i swear. i`m gonna make my kids play it at the age of 5. they can learn how to read and hopefully learn morals from it. haha and i`m like how old? 17? i`m a kiddie d0rk at heart.
today was an interesting day. i`ve finally realized that i`m gettin` way too fat. but i still cut fourth period cuz Vizza wasn`t here and me and Amber decided to take a trip to dairy queen and burger king. aww isnt that cute lol i think it was meant to be. i got a hotdog and milkshake and then four peice chicken tenders. that shit was sooo good. when i got home i took a nap and are more fried foods. fat. i need to go to the fuckin` track like now. Linette`s sweet 18 is in a few weeks/days and thank god that i fit in something. the dress doesnt come for another few days but i fuckin` wanna get smaller. i found rizza on this jawn btw. lol almost looks like pizza. yooo tell me how whenever i play sims i want pizza. well cuz they can order it lol. wow i`m talkin` to this idiot right now. i jus wanna kill him sometimes. i wonder where we`ll end up? o yea, not together.
i know God`s got me
and i pray. EMxDEE
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